For once.

For once.
I've came to blog without thinking and planning what to do next.
It's been quite some time since i've blogged with my mind and soul settled.
I think,
I should.
Come clean with certain things.

(I have to end off this post before Mom's laptop burns up.)

I've been neglecting friends.
I've been forgetting about studies.
I've been longing for wealth.
I've been envying for looks.

Come to think of these things that i've been wanting for and losing,
I think i've been one big fool.
Each time i look into the mirror,
there's always this thought that is always returning.
'You ain't the best, so you don't have the right to look and say you're pretty.'

Yeah, I ain't the best. I've been trying hard to.
'For what?'
Has stunned me.
I just came to realize that i've lost my directions.
Lost my North, South, East, West.

It's time,
i should forget about fame, wealth and looks.
I gotta start working. Fighting and slogging.
But, i suddenly got exhausted.
I don't want to fight, slog and work anymore. I'm losing the faith.
That confidence's shaking.

Recapping some things like for example, results, the efforts i've put in, the amount of sweat i've sweated.
Maybe these are just what they call pre-eoy-syndrome.
But coming to major exams, i've no confidence and self-discipline at all.
It all seems to me that 'It's no big deal!'
But,
then again.
'You don't have those brains, so start cracking!'
It's been what that have been contradicting me.
The results just don't freaking show the damn-ed efforts i've laid in just to get that ass bursary to get my hair done.
I want to use my own strength to do something i want.
It's that so hard to give it to me?
Why is it denying me the chance too?
I'm willing to die for it.
I'm lusting for it.
I. WANT. IT.

Seeing people with a few grands in their bank accounts got me goo-ey.
I'm green. (with envy)
I just don't get it. Why?
Is it sitting and doing my work for 6 hours not enough?
Is it not even visiting the toilets, having a break or snacking for a while not enough?
If that is,
then i'm enough of these!
I've put in a lot of efforts.
Slogged my guts out.
It's always like this.
I don't know how to cope with the disappointment each time i face with those shitty results.
It just makes me wanna cry.

Yeah,
I maybe should get -'You don't have those brains!'- into my dumb, cotton-stuffed brains.
I think it's enough.
It should end.
But it's eating at me.
I don't wanna give it up!

But now, i find it even harder to work for it.
I'm having some difficulty now trying to go for tuition.
I do, each time with grudges, complaints. But i don't spill them out, i keep them.
I swallow them down, hard, into my throat.
It's that forceful effect.

This afternoon,
I was jealous.
Jealous at the act.
I'm trying hard.
I know you've done it.
Maybe i've been replaced.
Whatever it is, don't treat me nice when you think i'm mean.
That's called being a hypocrite.
And i hate them.

Afterall,
i'm probably still the only one in the vast universe who cares about all these stupid, small, minute, worthless, pathetic pieces of shit/lie.


Anyway!
:D
I'm fine.
It's just that,
i wanna speak frankly.
If you've noticed, i've been wearing a mask for these days.
I don't know why.
-

Today's pretty cool though.
Even though this stupid, humid and insufferable weather, my house was mad, insane, crazy.
:)
Laughed from the time i sat down, till the time i finished dinner.
Dinner's a bit pathetic still.
I can only eat one side of a fish and some cereal from the prawns.
HAHA, i don't take mushrooms.
Actually,
to be truthful, this is the only first day from my gloomy weeks, i'm happy wholeheartedly.
Those days where i believe that 'Happiness is short-lived', i can finally say.
It's gonna be ending soon.
It's gonna be history.
The Sun's coming out soon. (;

Anyhowwwwww.
Studied for a very short while.
I'm so stuck to 'My Queen'.
And, the computer's always seducing me.
Seduction! ._.
'My Queen' is awesome!
Really.
Please trust me for once!
Go WATCH IT!
Even if you think it's just a waste of time.
Just lend me a 3 episodes time.
It'll suffice to make you craving for more!

At dinner,
we talked and mocked at my mom's perfect antics!
My stomach churned while we laughed like mad woman and uncle.
^^ It's fun disturbing my mom!
She doesn't retaliate!
She's a great push-over!
YAY.

Check the time out peeps - 12.43AM.
I've got tuition later!
HAHA, not tomorrow since it's already the next day!
Alright,
no matter how much i hate it,
i still can't back out right at this minute.
I can't.
Mom will be after me.
She will be wielding a chopper. -.-

Eoys' coming.
Hot on my ass.

I, MUST, RUN!